How God Made the Philippines

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He
inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through
the clouds, "Look, Michael.
Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a ! great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, but
cold and harsh while pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
Northern southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant."

"I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts."

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a group of Islands
and said, "What are those?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the Philippines , the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful beaches, rivers, mountains and forests. The people from
the Philippines are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous
and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely
sociable, hardworking and high achieving and they will be known throughout
the world as carriers of peace and love."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance." God replied wisely,

"Wait until you see the idiots that are elected as their leaders."

Kukunin ang Bituin

Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!
Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!
Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!

Layas anak

Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula
ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging
anak, naintindihan mo?
Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.

Bakit "S"

Bakit "S" ang nasa costume ni Superman? Wala na kasing medium!
Napansin mo,fit masyado, di ba?

Mahirap Ilibing

Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?
Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?
Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!

Lizard on Table

A lizard fell on a table.
Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
Astig: Shit, butiki!;
Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
Mahirap: Pare, ulam!

Ifugao Sundalo

Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.
Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!
Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?

Di Kita Niloloko

Natty Natividad: Salbahe ka, niloloko mo ako!
Christian Benjamin: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
Natty Natividad: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae,
magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
Christian Benjamin: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama
ko kanina ang niloloko ko!


( bad christian, so bad ... tsk tsk tsk tsk )

Anti-Buntis Panty

Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.
Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months later, galit si babae: Bakit ako
nabuntis?
Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!

Among in a sentence

TITSER : Class, use AMONG in a sentence...
STUDENT 1 : AMONG the trees, the coconut is the best!
TITSER : Very good! How are Kevin?
KEVIN : AMONG maid gikamang ni Papa!

Ahas ni Daddy

BATA : Mommy, mommy! bakit may ahas sa katawan si Daddy?
MOMMY : Oo nga, ang tapang pa naman, parang manunuklaw.
BATA : eh, bakit si yaya di natatakot? kinain nya yun kanina!

Kinsay mas Pangga

BATA : Tay! kinsa imo pinangga, ako o si Nanay?
TATAY : Syempre IKAW!
BATA : Bantog ra inig kaadlawon ako imong habulan, si Nanay imong HUBUAN!

Gipusil sa bana

Asawa nasakpan gikuan sa silingan....gipusil sa bana ang lalake, PATAY!
ASAWA : Sus, banaha ka! kung dili ka mag-usab sa imong batasan, mahurot
atong silingan!!!

Woman's Prayer

Women's prayer at the age of ...
21 - Give me a best man..
25 - Give me a good man.
30 - Give me a man.
40 - Lord, asa naman?
50 - Wa pa man?
60 - Ngano man?
70 - HUROT naman

Unsaon paghalok

ANAK : Tay, unsaon paghalok sa GUAPA UG PANGIT?
TATAY : Gwapa gani, hagkan ang NAWONG unya kumuton ang totoy... kung pangit,
hagkan ang totoy unya kumuton ang NAWONG!

If mangutot

Pag AMERIKANO umutot...EXCUSE ME!
Pag BRITISH : PARDON ME!
Pag ESPAÑOL : EXCUSAR POR QUE UTUTAN!
Pag PINOY : BUYAG! Dili ako! Mamatay unta ang nangutot!!

Panty Gihipos

ANAK : Nay, gilili akong panty sa akong klasmeyt!
NANAY : Kabastos gud! Unsay gihimo nimo?
ANAK : Akong gihubo akong panty ug gihipos sa akong bag aron di na niya
makit-an!

Rape Case

In a rape case:
ATTY : Miss, naipasok ba sa iyo yong ORGAN nung nasasakdal?
LADY : Feeling ko parang di po ORGAN your honor....daku ra pod nang ORGAN
uy!

Lola's Attire

1st night-Lola wear see through dress....Lolo did'nt react...
2nd night, Lola wear t-back...Lolo still deadma...
3rd night, Lola all naked...Lolo said; ANO YAN SUOT MO, GUSOT-GUSOT!?

Madre's Confession

MADRE : Father nakasala baya ko..nakagunit ko ug "bird" sa lalake..
PARE : Naay Holy Water sister, panghunaw!
MADRE :Daghana padre kay akong ilimogmog ang uban!

Sexy Raped

SEXY : Maawa ka! Meron ako!
RAPIST : Ahhh! walang meron meron sa kin!
SEXY : Waaaag! Aaaaay!
RAPIST : Yak! meron ka nga! meron kang ITLOG! BAKLA!

Life is like Vagina

Life is like a VAGINA...minsan dry...minsan basa...minsan madugo....minsan
maputla...palaging nakanganga,naghihintay ng grasya....dats LIFE! So, how's
your VAGINA?!

Bad Breath

Paano mo sasabihin ng buong galang sa kausap mo na BAD BREATH na hindi siya
mao offend?

GANITO : "Mawalang galang na po, TAE ba ulam nyo kanina?"

roommates dream

2 room mates talking...
BOY 1 : Part, lami kaayo dream nako gabii! Gitilaan daw nako ang
tunga-tunga sa boobs ni Ara Mina!
BOY 2 : Buang ka! bantog ra basa akong lubot!

Namimiss

After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng GIRL sa organ ng lalaki... BF
: Gusto mo pa?
GF : Hindi, nami miss ko lang....meron kasi ako dati nito eh!

Side B

Sa mental hospital, usa ka buang nagkanta samtang natulog sa kama...Human sa
kanta, siya mikulob ug mikanta pag-usab...

NURSE : Nagnong mikulob man ka?
BUANG : Side B na gud!

Misis nangmote

Duha ka MISIS nangamote...

MRS 1 : Mahinumdom gyod ko sa itlog sa akong bana aning kamoteha.
MRS 2 : Sa kadak-on?
MRS 1 : Dili, sa KABULINGON!

Naa koy Regla

ANAK : Nay, Nay! Naa nakoy regla!
NANAY: Aber, unsa may color?
ANAK : dARK BROWN, nAY!
NANAY: Asus! Igit na! Halahugasi imong lubot! Ambisyoso kang BAYOTA ka!

Jonix Sleeps

Teacher:Jonix,get up.How can you sleep in my class?
Jonix:I can teacher,if you keep your voice down.

Coincidence

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."

Lecture on the Sun

Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

Brotherly Love

Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE

Fullforms of Math

Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students

Lost Rupee Coin

Teacher : Ramya and Shilpa!,why are you late for school,today?
Shilpa : Madam, I lost a one rupee coin and was searching for it.
Teachear : Ramya,what about you?
Ramya: Madam..., I was not able to move ....because I was hiding that coin under my feet.

Gandhiji in 1873

Teacher :What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.

Motel Deluxe and Special

GUEST to Motel Receptionist: Tagpila room ninyo diri?
RECEPTIONIST : Depende Sir, Special or Deluxe na room ?
GUEST : Unsa man kalainan ?
RECEPTIONIST : Special, naay masahista ug TV. Ang Deluxe, naay TB ang masahista!!

Boy Application

BOY : Sir, apply unta ko pagka-boy.
AMO : Sige, bahugan nimo ang iro kada buntag ug hotdog, corn beef ug
chorizo
BOY : Kining Sir, apply nalang ko pagka-iro .

Baga ug Nawng

PATIENTE: Dok, ngano gasakit man akong dughan kada inom nako ug coke? Pero kung libre, dili lagi mosakit?

DOK : Ah, kabalo nako ana. Nipis imong baga, pero baga imong nawong !!!

Dentist-Girl Affair

DENTIST : We have to stop seeing each oder, halata na tayo ng Mister mo!
GIRL : But we love each other !
DENTIST : Oo, but we're running out of excuses! ISA NA LANG NGIPIN MO!!

Donya Instructions

DONYA : Kay bago man ka dinhi, gusto ko masayod ka nga ang pamahaw diri alas sais impunto!
MAID : Way problema Nyora! Kung tulog pa ko anang orasa, una nalang mo ug ka-on!!

Mayor Acknowledgement

GUESTS ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS SA USA KA EVENT PROGRAM:

Organizer : Paki acknowledge si Mayor, late na dumating .. ayon, kararaan lang.
EMCEE : I would like to acknowledge the arrival of the late mayor who just passed away .

Sa Baka

Conduktor : Sibog-sibog gamay kay mularga na ta.
Kanang imong anak, 'Noy, saBAKA lang na.
Amahan : Nabuang na! Nisakay gani mi kay nagdali
unya sa BAKA na hinuon nimo pasakyon akong anak ?!!!

Puli Pwesto

Empleyado : Boss, namatay diay atong manager,
pwede ba ako nalang mopuli sa iyang pwesto ?
Boss : Pwde man, pero ambot kaha ug mosugot ang funeraria .

Sirang Kotse

Mekaniko : Sir, hindi ko po naayos ang preno ng kotse niyo
Customer : Paano na yon ?
Mekaniko : Nilakasan ko naman po ang inyong busina!

Panawagan

PANAWAGAN SA RADIO :

Mrs : Sir, pwede ko manawag sa akong bana sa radyo,
gidala among lima ka anak
Announcer : Go ahead, Mrs.
Mrs : Hoy, amaw! I-uli ang mga bata! Usa ra imo ana! Bagag nawong !

Family quarrel

FAMILY QUARREL :

Husband : Pastilan sige ta ug away; magbuwag ta !
Wife : Sige! Ato bahinon atong anak!
Husband : Ako ang gwapo ug gwapa!
Wife : Nah! Gipili pa gyod ang dili iya!

Lamok with flashlyt

Anak : Tay, di ko katulog, daghang lamok.
Tatay : Palungon nato mga suga aron di ta makit-an
>
(Pagpalong sa suga, nanggawas mga alitaptap)

Anak : Hala tay! Nagdala silag flashlayt !!!

Pahimangno

PANGHIMANGNO sa mga tao nga
Dili mokaon ug tambok
Dili manigarilyo
Dili mobilar ug
Dili moinom ug bino.
Usa ka adlaw mawad-an rakag mga higala,
Buhi paka,
Patay na sila tanan!

Toothpaste from Japan

Sulat balos ni Nanay kang Ate , OFW sa Japan :

Dear Anak,
Sa sunod ayaw nami padad-i aning green nga toothpaste ... nakahilak sa
kahalang si Tatay
nimo. Dili kuno niya type ang brand WASABE.

Salamat,
Nanay

Cute mo?

May nakagpagsabi na ba sa iyo na ang cute mo?

kung wala pa ...,



aw .......



wa tay mahimo ana?! Unsaon ta man? Mamugos diay ta?

Aeta vs. Shark

Usa ka barko nalunod nya naay aeta nga sakay :


Aeta : ayaw ko ug paaka please!
Shark : ayaw koug ilara dude! nukos ka!
nukos ka dude!

Mahal Kita

Boy : Mahal kita! I love you! Bisan linog, bagyo,
baha, tsunami adton jud taka sa inyo

Girl : Wala man lage ka niadto gabii?

Boy : Kay kuan man.. kanang.. kuan man gud.., Taligsik